Welcome to The Messy Mummy! All about fun, life changes, the odd dose of reality and my constant ability to screw up any situation.

So why the messy mummy you may ask. Well, over a decade ago, my life was completely different. Single, care-free and fabulous, I had major laughs and some epic times. It was a rollercoaster ride pausing only to throw up over the side but that was probably due to the alcohol.

Questionable choices were made, usually after several wildly coloured cocktails and a vodka chaser. I could have been the poster girl for live, love, laugh your tits off brigade!

The dance floor was never a friend of mine. Unfortunately, after a few wines and a bag of crisps, I transformed into the world’s greatest dancer. To other people, I became a fucking liability.

My track record speaks for itself as I never attracted anyone whilst dancing. A surprise I know! Turns out that shaking your arse like a pissed-up spider with clogs on isn’t that charming. Hilarious? Yes! Sexy? Hell no!

To compound matters, I am woefully socially inept. Total foot in mouth syndrome. My friends are well versed with my brutal honesty and sarcastic funny bones. However, strangers are known to take quite the offence.

I mean, if someone wants to wear the shortest skirt ever, that’s fine. However, please get some decent knickers, not just a piece of dental floss that lets your bits hang out for all to see!

Similarly, budgie smugglers are no one’s go to accessory. I do not want to see a flaccid knob paraded around whilst the dick who is wearing them thinks they are taking part in a Mr Universe competition. Puts me right off my breakfast.

Even before family life took over, I achieved so many spectacular fails. On a break from university, at my parent’s house, I was given the responsibility to look after my sister’s cats whilst she went on holiday. I was told one rule. Do not let the cats get outside. Fricking simple.

So, one morning, after I prised myself out of my pit, I had been left the task of taking the rubbish out. Thanks Mum.

Sleepily stumbling, I headed through the front door towards the garbage dragging the stench behind me and completely forgot about Mrs Furry Paws.

Dumping the trash at the front of the house, I turned and saw a slightly overweight tabby cat head for freedom via the open glass door. Fuck!!! I legged it and managed to slam the door shut whilst laughing at the pissed off cat who was locked in.

However, a couple of slight issues rapidly arose. The front door locked as soon as you shut it and the only way in is with a key. Right at that moment, my keys were on the other side of the door being chomped on by an angry cat.

That wasn’t the worst part though. I was locked out in the rain on a very busy main road. In My Nightie. Yes, my fricking nightie, probably with a boob hanging out for all to see. No phone, no key and a cat flipping me the bird through the front door.

I had to be rescued by our elderly neighbours who did not know where to look. The whole kit and caboodle on show. Thank God they had a spare key. Just a shame that the whole street saw my birthday suit with a bum hole on show. They probably saw my front bottom area as well but at least I still waxed it back then!

So welcome to The Messy Mummy! The adventure awaits!!!!